Monday, May 22, 2006

Is this safe or wise

When you live your life with cameras in your face you trust nobody. I realised today that the only place I feel safe and anonymous is pretty strangely one of the places I am not safe or anonymous, sitting here in front of my PC. The few friends I've got well under the surface I can't trust any of them now not to sell photos or texts or even worse make up shit about me to make a fast profit. I wouldn't if it wasn't for the last time I told DB about where I was going on holiday last autumn just after everything was coming together and two weeks later there were pictures of me with a zoom lens with mean comments which sent everything south for another few months. She said she only told her 'boyfriend' in strictest confidence, like a little post shag secret isn't going to matter is it right until that twat rang up someone and blabbed and yeah whatever. The point is the same you can't trust anyone.

I've started to carry three mobiles now how fucked up is that? And then I forget who I have given which number to so it all comes to the same now anyway. why do I bother? should just bin them all there's nothing said into them that makes any sense now anyway.

So who do I talk to about my shit? My mum? As if. She's best kept out of it until the day comes she gets charmed and talks. My brother? Not interested, and anyway he must have some contacts or something because nobody touches him. My dad? Yes true I can tell my dad. But he can't tell me what he thinks because he's not here and never will be.

So the weirdest thing of all was that I decided to talk to my PC and start this because I have nobody else to talk to, despite the fact that I spend all the goddam day on the phone and on show, mainly trying to work out if what I am saying is going to be thrown back at me all chewed up and misrepresented. Maybe one day I will give the link to someone and they will read it or maybe this will be my one and only post who knows. Otherwise it will stay like a trillion other words, lost. Maybe I could give people other names or something, having had to hear from Susan all about libel and shit after that magazine thing I kind of wish I didn't know it all but better safe than sorry.

Think I feel a bit better now. Might do this again.